In the Brothers Grimm’s 1812 fairy tale, Snow White breaks into the seven dwarfs’ home, happily nibbles away on their supplies, and then simply bunks down. No excuses. At first, the dwarfs wail a bit, but then they quickly settle into the new situation and head back to the mine for some more drudgery. Back then, dwarfs hadn’t unionized yet.
In the 1937 Disney movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the heroine arrives at the dwarfs’ home and digs right into some serious house-cleaning. That’s Disney for you: emancipation? We’ll get to that later – much, much later. However, a housewife’s life doesn’t quite satisfy our princess: As soon as the dwarfs are gone for more ore mining, she drops some apple-flavored crystal meth, and then hits the sack to wait for a knight in shining armor who says, „Wow, aren’t you looking gorgeous! You wanna have the lead role in my upcoming remake of Snow White? The name’s Harvey, by the way. Harvey Weinstein.“ Or whatever it is princes are fond of saying.
Cut to 2018: In the digital age, Snow White isn’t a king’s child, but a child of the internet. So she doesn’t even have to break into and enter the dwarfs’ home to raid their fridge: Our hacker princess simply breaks her notebook open and enters her user name, HaXrPrince$$. (In fairy tales, hacker names always have to include plays on words and numbers, it’s a spell by the evil hacker witch.)
Using enchanted, obscured paths, HaXrPrince$$ then explores her target: the website of the “Farfaraway Dwarf Observer”. She exploits a Dwarf Observer server vulnerability to turn the dwarf-observing site into a cryptojacking site. “Cryptojacking”, while sounding like something a hacker named CryptoJack would do, is a made-up word made up from “hijacking” and “crypto-mining” (meaning: mining – actually: calculating – digital coins such as Bitcoins): Once a dwarf surfs to the Dwarf Observer, evil malware puts a spell on their browser and makes their computer mine crypto coins for the princess.
For, in digital fairy tales, treasure troves are magically created by making computers solve very, very hard math problems: witchcraft turns coal into electricity, and then into gold. With Bitcoins, this requires very, very much compute power – a spell chanted by the evil math witch: Mining puts the computer under so much strain that it will huff and puff, and go up in flames. This is why our princess doesn’t make the dwarf PCs mine Bitcoins, as this would require 7,000 ore-mining dwarfs, and maybe even more mining dwarfs, with giant dwarf computers. So she rather picks an easier-to-bewitch currency: Moneros. (In fairy tales, coins always have to have real silly names, due to yet another witch’s spell.)
HaXrPrince$$ has written her cryptojacking malware quite warily: It lurks in secret, stealing dwarf PC power in tiny little bits and pieces only. So the dwarfs wail: “Oh, how slow-moving my surfing suddenly is! And oh, how quickly my PC fans will spring to action!” They wonder: “Who’s been eating from my browser cookies?” But then they just shrug their shoulders and, always in good spirits, “Hi-ho! Hi-ho!”, keep going back into the crypto-mine.
This is how HaXrPrince$$ defeats the evil math witch and becomes hacker queen. She then takes her golden treasure and spends it on two new tattoos: “HaXr” on her right-hand knuckles, and on her left-hand knuckles, “Q33n”. (Yes, that spell applies to tattoos, too.) And the seven dwarfs? They, of course, mined happily ever after.