We’ve all been there: All you want is to have a nice little telephone conversation in a movie theater, tweet a spoiler from a preview, or send a quick iMessage to end your current relationship, when… – *record scratch* *camera zoom* – … the smartphone battery is at a meagre, blood-red 3 per cent. How could this happen?! Why, oh why?!
So here’s a list of the seven things that are most likely to kill your smartphone battery:
- Unnecessary apps: We all tend to open apps unnecessarily, and then never close them. A good approach is to go to Settings => Battery, check for power huggers, and then close – or better yet: deinstall – unnecessary apps such as, you know, that free-of-charge flashlight app, or the Facebook client. I mean, let’s face it, these Facebook “friends” aren’t really friends, so why waste electrical power on them?
- Bright display: People tend to set display brightness to a level where they can actually see things on the screen. This is a bad habit that one should break as soon as possible. Remember: Orange may be the new black, but black is the new OLED.
- Bad mobile connectivity: A smartphone receiving a weak radio signal will continuously search for a better connection, draining your battery. When indoors, the solution is to place your phone at the window. Then point at the cell tower, and tell your smartphone: “See, there’s the cell tower! It’s still at the exact same spot where it was yesterday. So stop searching for it, you silly piece of brain-dead junk hardware!”
- Winter: Chilly temperatures and ice-cold winds eat away battery life. So the best way forward is to keep the device warm, e.g. by using a headset when making calls in the winter. Better yet, don’t use your phone in the winter at all. Rather, set it to “hibernation mode”: Put it in a nice, cloth-lined drawer, and gently tell it: “Nighty-night, sleep tight. I’ll see you in April!” Then curl up in a warm, cosy blanket and go into hibernation mode yourself. The fact that humans don’t hibernate but have to go out in freezing temperatures is clearly an evolutionary cul-de-sac. We won’t take that any longer!
- Bullets: A bullet hitting your smartphone battery will most likely put an end to it. So you’ll either be eternally grateful to your battery for deflecting that bullet – or it didn’t. In which case power supply longevity is the least of your worries.
- Gravity: For example, a piano dropping from the fifth floor. OK, that might sound like a rare event, but for someone like me who has grown up on slapstick movies and Tom & Jerry cartoons, it’s definitely a scenario to be reckoned with. So always watch out for dropping pianos! Also, ask your insurance salesman what policy he can offer to cover battery damage caused by gravity-accelerated musical instruments. It will be an interesting discussion.
- Dumb-as-a-rock users: This, ahem, definitely doesn’t apply to you. But we’ve both heard rumors of users who repeatedly forget to recharge their phones overnight, and then keep wondering why their battery indicator seems permanently stuck in the red. So maybe, just maybe, plug the phone in at night? And then in next week’s therapy session, we’ll discuss how this little adventure turned out, how does that sound? No pressure, it’s just a suggestion.